Christian response to gay family member
How Should Christians Respond to Gay Friends or Family Members?
Caleb Kaltenbach (M.A. ’07) is an alumnus of Biola’s Talbot School of Theology, lead pastor of a large church in Simi Valley, Calif., and a married father of two. He’s also an emerging voice in the discussion of how Christians should engage the LGBT community. That’s because Kaltenbach has an insider perspective, having been raised by a dad and mom who divorced and independently came out of the closet as a gay dude and a homosexual woman. Raised in the midst of LGBT parties and identity parades, Kaltenbach became a Christian and a pastor as a young individual. Today, he manages the tension of holding to the traditional biblical instruction on sexuality while loving his lgbtq+ parents.
Kaltenbach’s unique story is detailed in his new manual Messy Grace: How a Pastor with Gay Parents Learned to Love Others Without Sacrificing Conviction and landed him on the front page of the New York Times in June. Biola Magazine reached out to him to talk about his book and his perspective on how Christians can beat navigate the complexities of this issue with truth and grace.
In your manual you say that it’s time for Christians to have the iss I possess an openly queer family member. My wife and I think when he visits it is only appropriate that he comes alone. We have asked that his loved one not accompany him on visits. We believe this is better for our children as it must be confusing for them. Needless to say this decision has caused much controversy within the family and we have been attacked by many family members. Should Christians have limitations with their gay family members? I am no expert on your problem. What I suggest is rather broad and, hopefully, drawn from scriptural principles. 1. First off, recognize that, while homosexual conduct is sinful and the result of God’s curse (Rom. 1:18ff.), it is on one level no different than any other sin, such as adulterous marriage, drunkenness, the use of the Lord’s name in vain. If your family member were practicing any of those other sins you would surely have a right to expect those sins to be controlled by the sinner. You would also have the right to illustrate your position to them. Therefore, 2. You should contain “the talk” with this member, setting the ground rules for their presence in your residence. But it is the Answer “You want to shove those words back in and put the lid on. But you can’t. Your child is gay. This goes against everything you’ve been taught. It was not what you had in mind, and you instantly wonder where you went wrong.” When you turn into a parent, you understand to expect the unexpected. But for many Christian parents, nothing can make ready them to hear that their beloved child is gay. This is the child you have cradled, spoon fed mashed bananas, and dreamed a stunning future for. How could this be? What will the church say? What will your friends say? What does the future hold? You can’t even get your head around this. If you are a Christian parent, family member or friend to whom your loved one has come out as queer or lesbian, then this is for you. I request you to sit down, relax, maybe get a cup of tea, and soak in what I’m about to tell you. My hope is to guide you as we walk for a bit through this maze of confusion, to help you find your way to wholeness. In many Christian circles, this is not good news, and you may begin to spiral into reflection and self-searching. We’ll get to that. But at the bottom of it all, this is not about you. Most parents’ first mistake is to mak
July 21, 2013 Q & A
Question
Answer
How should Christian parents respond if one of their children comes out as gay?
If a kid reveals his or her homosexuality, the first thing for Christian parents to do is consent their child know that, no matter what, love and grace will win the day. Mom and dad’s love will carry on, regardless. First John 4:8 says, “The one who does not love does not know God, for God is love.” There is nothing to be gained by callousness, denial, or denunciation. Rather, “God’s kindness is intended to lead [a person] to repentance” (Romans 2:4).
Our children (like ourselves) have heart issues. We’re not trying to put superb fruit on bad trees; we are passionately praying for our wayward children that God would heal the roots of the tree—that He might remove their heart of stone and change it with a heart of flesh (see Ezekiel 36:26).
Parents should also encourage a child who has “come out” not to define himself as a “homosexual.” It’s important to ask questions: Are you in a relationship? Is the relationship sexual or platonic? Have you acted out your feelings of same-sex attraction, or are they just thoughts you have? Parents can enter alongside a struggling child and help him